Inspirational Quotes in a World of Cynicism….

Alright, first things first.  If you read the title and are hoping to be inspired,  just stop reading now.  I am cynical, sarcastic,  and a smartass.  That’s not to say I  am uninspired; I have just come to the conclusion that I have fell victim to the multi-billion dollar industry that I call “inspirational home decor.”

You know what I am talking about.  It doesn’t matter what store you go to to buy things to hang on the wall.  Everywhere you go you see signs of wood, metal, canvas, and the like, that instruct you to “Sieze the day,” and “Color outside the lines,” and “Live. Laugh. Love.” 

That’s great and all.  My walls, shelves, and mantle are covered with this stuff.  It’s just that for me, this isn’t “inspiration,” it’s “decoration.”  Don’t get me wrong.  I mean “How great would life be, if we lived a little of it everyday?” And what a great idea to “Think outside the box.”

For me though, most days these decorations go unnoticed.   They are lost in the real life clutter of kid’s toys, dirty laundry, dog bowls, and throw pillows.  When I do notice the signs on the wall, at best they are a reminder that I failed to “Cherish every moment.” and “Embrace every possibility.”

I am NOT saying to NOT seek out inspiration (double negative).  Just maybe consider looking somewhere other than the wall art.  I mean let’s face it, if you are staring at the wall all day, you aren’t gonna get sh*t done anyway, and I am going to make fun of you.  If you are going to stare at the wall all day, why not take it one step further and lick the window all day instead.

So here’s my idea.  If you are like me and have spent hundreds of dollars on “inspirational” phrases and quotes to hang all over your walls, take them down. Replace them with one of my designs.  Yep that’s right.  I am going to start making more practical signs.  Signs that you can look at and say “Hey, I did that today. I’m not a failure, because I did what that wall art said I should.”  Oh you want some examples?  Try these on for size:

(Yes, these are my own creations)

Smores and Beers.

Carly: “Chris, those big speakers in the basement, can we sell them?”

Ava (before I have a chance to answer): “No! Cuz we use them when it’s dark and people come over so we can have smores and some beers.”

In case I haven’t mentioned it, Ava is the coolest 4 year old ever.

Here’s to more smores and beers in 2013!

Nike

I know.  I know.  I already posted once today, and posting too often is a big blogging no-no, but I was just reminded of a funny “Ava quip” and I wanted to pass it on before I forgot it because I haven’t posted any funny Ava stuff for awhile. I think that last sentence was a run-on, or at least there are some punctuation errors.  Moving on.

Ava: “Tonight I am going to wear a Nike to bed.”

Me: “A what?”

Ava: “A Nike.”

Me: “What?!”

Ava: “A NIKE!!!”

Ava: “You are going to wear one shoe to bed?”

Ava: “Nooooo!”

Me: “Ava, Nikes are shoes.”

Ava: “No they are not. A Nike is a long shirt.”

Me: “Ava, do you mean a nightie?”

Ava: “No. It’s a Nike.

(Long pause)

Ava: “Booyah! I got a Nike!

Winter Park 12.29.2012

Day one is in the books ya’ll.  Any day on the mountain has got to be a good one,  but today at Winter Park was even better than expected because:

1) I didn’t have to drive,
2) the snow was better than I anticipated,
3) the crowds were minimal for a Saturday, and
4) people said funny sh*t.

My favorite quotes from today:

#3 Did you see that girl about to smoke a pole?
#2 You should take F*ckaroo. It’s a good one. (It’s supposed to be Buckaroo, not F*ckaroo, Tex).
#1 I’m gonna post a twitter on Facebook.

While the day was great, I was also reminded of the downside of spending the day strapped to a board; I am sore as buck. (It’s supposed to be f*ck, not buck, Tex).

What can you get done in an 8 hour day?

Despite normally working a 12 hours shift, I can appreciate all that can be accomplished in even an 8 hour workday.  On the other hand, I know some people clock in and 8 hours later clock out without having accomplished a single thing.  Let us now consider what can be accomplished in eight hours when you are not at work.  In eight hours it is reasonable to assume that one could pick up around the house, have some lunch, and run a few errands.  Alternatively, you could get through a full-season marathon of your favorite tv show, or approximately 4 movies.  Also you could get in your 8 hours of recommended daily sleep.  I’d like to share the events of my day from 7am-3pm today.

1) worked the last half-hour of my scheduled shift at the hospital

2) drove to Loveland Ski Area, stopping in Idaho Springs for breakfast at Two Brothers Deli

3) got three runs in on the mountain

4) had a bloody mary

5) switched snowboards, got two more runs in

6) saw my wife catch a heel edge and fracture her wrist

7) drove to the orthopedic surgeon’s office

8) found out that wife had two non-displaced fractures of her right wrist, watched her get splinted (cast will be applied Monday pending no bones end up displaced over the weekend)

9) saw a lady that appeared to be in her late 70s to early 80s driving a turquoise mustang with a Denver Broncos decal in the rear window

10) got into a car accident

I figure you have to take the bad with the good.  In my book, seeing an 80 year-old lady driving a turquoise mustang balances out fractured bones and a car accident.

Superlative: “Most likely to be the victim of a freak accident”

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I am accident prone, but as far as freak accidents go I have had a couple.  The most notable of such occurrences happened when I was a senior in high-school.  It was our last football game of the season.  I remember that it rained heavy that day–there were two to three inches of standing water on the field by halftime.  The game was a blowout: we must have beat the other team by 40 or more points. By halftime I started to notice a burning sensation in my rain-soaked pants.  My initial thought was the burning was a result of chaffing from all the wetness.  As the pain worsened my next thought was that scorpions had somehow found their way into my football pants.  Although that sounds impossible, I assure you it was not–scorpions were prevalent where I lived, and I remember shaking them from freshly laundered clothes on more than one occasion.   I pushed the pain aside, and after the game remember the team celebrating by diving headfirst into and sliding through the large puddles of water on the football field.  I also remember the puddles eerily bubbling, almost as if they were boiling.  After an extended period of celebration, I went home to shower.  I remember stripping of my football attire and writhing in pain.  I looked down at my thighs and almost collapsed at the sight.   Both thighs had rows of deep flesh wounds that were a mixture of blood and green pus.  It looked like a tiger had sunk its claws into me.  Upon further examination I noticed that I had similar  injuries to the back of one leg and my err, umm…unmentionables.  I got in the shower in hopes that by rinsing the areas off, the pain would decrease.  I collapsed in pain as soon as the water hit my skin.  Confused at what could have caused this, but not willing to miss out on hanging out with friends that night, I dried off with my towel, and threw on some clothes.  As the night progressed the pain intensified and by midnight I was in the emergency room.  As it turns out 22 football players were treated in the emergency room that night.  After investigations took place over the next several months it was determined that the injuries were actually chemical burns.  Football fields are normally lined with calcium carbonate–on that day the field was accidentally lined with calcium hydroxide, aka caustic lye.  To help visualize the process by which calcium hydroxide burns flesh, watch the movie Fight Club.  There is a scene where Brad Pitt pours the chemical on Edward Norton’s hand and his flesh instantaneously begins to dissolve.  Excerpt from the movie:

Tyler and Narrator are making soap from the fat of human bodies
Tyler: Yeah with enough soap one could blow up just about anything
Narrator Voice Over: Tyler was full of useful information
Tyler: Ancient peoples found that their clothes got cleaner when they washed them at a certain point in the river. Do you know why?
Narrator: No
Tyler motions to come over. Narrator leaves his job of stirring the fat to face Tyler across a table. Tyler begins to put on safety gloves, glasses
Tyler: Because human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river. Bodies burned, water seeped through the wooden ashes to create lye. This is lye
Holds up a bottle containing white flakey substance
Tyler: The crucial ingredient. Once it mixed with the melted fat of the bodies, a thick white soapy discharge crept into the river. Can I see your hand please?
Narrator gives him his hand. Tyler grasps onto it, licks his lips and kisses the back of Narrators hand
Narrator: What is this?
Tyler looks at him, sprinkles the lye on the narrators hand and says:
Tyler: This is a chemical burn.
Narrator screams in pain, staring at his hand as it begins to burn, reeling while Tyler grasps it tightly
Tyler: It will hurt more than you have ever been burned and you will have a scar
Narrator: What are you doing?!!! [screams]
Narrator Voice Over: Guided meditation worked for cancer it could work for this
Narrator closes his eyes, cut to scene of green forest in his mind. Cut back to Tyler.
Tyler: Stay with the pain, don’t shut this out
Narrator: No, no [screaming moving violently, trying to escape tyler’s grasp]
Tyler: stay with the pain, don’t shut this out. The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes, like the first monkey shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing
Narrator closes his eyes again, trying to shut the pain out, trying to be calm
Narrator Voice Over: I tried not to think of the words searing flesh.
Tyler: Stop it! This is your pain. This is your burning hand it’s right here
Narrator: I’m going to my cave, I’m going to my cave, I’m going to find my power animal [sobbing]
Tyler: No! Don’t deal with it the way those dead people do. Come On!
Narrator: I get the point okay please!
Tyler: No what you’re feeling is premature enlightenment
Narrator closes his eyes, cut to his mind’s eye in his cave. Cut back to Tyler. Tyler hits Narrator across his face
Tyler: this is the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere missing it
Narrator: I am not! [sobbing and grunting in pain]
Tyler: Shut up. Our fathers were our models for god, if our fathers bailed what does that tell you about god?
Narrator: [grunts, eyes closed still fighting the pain]
Tyler hits narrator across the face again. Narrator still reeling, moves his hand, attempting to reach for sink, for water. Tyler holds fast.
Tyler: Listen to me. You can run water over your hand to make it worse, or, look at me. Their eyes meet. Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn
Narrator: Please let me have it!! Please!! [sobbing]
Tyler: First you have to give up. First you have to know, not fear, know that one day you are going to die.
Narrator: You don’t know how this feels!! [angrily, rage in his eyes looking at Tyler]
Tyler stares back at him and lifts up his right hand to reveal a massive scar on the back of it.
Tyler: Its only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.
Narrator: Okay [still painful look on his face but accepting]
Tyler slowly lets go of narrators hand finally where the flesh is melting, fizzling, smoking and burning. Narrator stares intently at his hand. Holding it out in front of himself on his own, feeling it. Not trying to run from it or trying to minimize the pain somehow. Tyler then reaches for a bottle of vinegar and dumps it on Narrators outreached hand. Narrator, with the final relief of the pain clenches his hand towards his chest and drops to the ground. Tyler looks down at him.
Tyler: Congratulations, you are one step closer to hitting bottom.

I don’t even remember how long it took to heal, but I still have the scars to remind me of that day.  Anyway, that was a really long intro to tell you about what just happened to me at work.  In the CT scan room we have an IV pole  that sits on a round base with six wheels so that it can easily be moved.  From the IV pole hangs a bag of saline and about three feet of extension tubing.  The extension tubing has a hard plastic hub on one end and a sharp plastic spike on the on the other. As I was preparing to scan a patient, I attempted to move the IV pole.  Thus began a series of unfortunate events.  The pole got stuck, causing the extension tubing to swing up and poke me in my eye (the same eye that coincidentally has been red and inflamed for three days because of a corneal abrasion that I received from getting fit for hard contact lenses.  Note: I need contact lenses because I am legally blind in that eye as a result of the chemical burns I mentioned earlier).  In a knee-jerk response, I reached up and grabbed the tubing that had just assaulted me, and yanked at both the tubing and the IV pole.  The tubing became dislodged from the bag of saline, simultaneously allowing the spiked end to jab me in the eye again while the entire contents of the bag spilled onto the floor.  Now off-balance and standing on a tile floor covered with water, my legs fail me, and I fall violently to the tile, somehow twisting both of my knees (one of which was just recently surgically repaired).  Next the IV pole falls on top of me with such force that four of the six plastic wheels shatter.   The scene had to have looked like something from a movie.  It reminded me of something from Final Destination, or something.  Although if it were Final Destination, I would have had to have died.  Oh I got it, the IV pole would have bumped a switch on the CT machine so that it started emitting radiation.  I am unable to move because I am pinned under the IV pole which has lodged itself between the CT scanner and a cabinet, and I am radiated to death.  Geez, I should have been a screenwriter…

The History of Clamrammer (A refresher course)

The following are excerpts from past blogs explaining how this site got its name.  While I do see that “clamrammer” can be taken out of context, this blog simply wouldn’t be the same without it.  So for the those that are new to this site: a history lesson.  I hope that the following two excerpts help clarify any questions you might have.

“The inspiration for this blog was set in motion 2 years ago on a snowboarding outing to Breckenridge Ski Resort with my Dad (read: cool guy not nearly old enough to be my dad, more like brother or friend, that decided to take on the responsibility of being my “dad” 25 or so years ago), and my uncle (another guy closer to my age than most uncles tend to be, that also shares a profound interest in snowboarding.) There is a run, between Peak 7 and Peak 8 (I think), called Claimjumper. After a morning full of riding and a lunch-time break full of Shock-Top Belgian White unfiltered wheat ale, it is very easy to misread the small print of the trail map. Claimjumper can very easily become Clamrammer. So was the case on this particular day…and it stuck…”

 

“Hello Rammin’ the Clam, blog readers. My name is Dan (AKA: Dad and Poppa). I am a founding member of Team Clamrammer and as such, I believe I have a duty to contribute to this blog in some way. My first contribution will be what I believe to be an important one, to wit; I give you the legend of the clamrammer.

The Clamrammer is a mythical creature that inhabits the mountainous hot tubs of Colorado. He can often be seen on the slopes and pistas of Breckenridge, but only by true believers. Just one confirmed photograph is known to exist. Legands and stories dating back in history as far as 2008 say that if a boarder makes a toast to the Clamrammer with a cold Shock Top, the Clam will reveal himself and bless you with excellent powder.

Please note that the appropriate response by those present during a toast to the clam is: “Right on.”

 

 

Clam-I-am…

I am Clam. 

I am Clam.

Clam I am.

          That Clam-I-am! 

          That Clam-I-am! 

          I do not like that Clam-I-am!

Do you like to ram the clam?

          I do not like to, Clam-I-am. 

          I do not like to ram the clam.         

Would you clam ram here or there?

          I would not clam ram here or there.

          I would not clam ram anywhere.

          I do not like to ram the clam.

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am.

Would you clam ram on the lift?  

Would you clam ram as a gift?

          I will not clam ram on the lift. 

          I will not clam ram as a gift.

          I will not clam ram here or there.

          I will not clam ram anywhere.

          I do not like to ram the clam. 

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am.

Would you clam ram on a slope? 

 Would you clam ram with the Pope?

          Not on a slope. 

          Not with the Pope.

          Not on the lift. 

          Not as a gift.

          I would not clam ram here or there. 

          I would not clam ram anywhere.

          I do not like to ram the clam. 

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am.

Would you, could you, on a run?

Clam ram! Clam ram!  Just for fun.

          I would not, could not, on a run.

          I would not, could not, just for fun.                                        

You could clam ram by a tree,

right by a friend who’s going pee.

          I would not, could not by a tree. 

          Not by a friend who’s going pee.

          I will not clam ram on a slope. 

          I will not clam ram with the Pope.

          I will not clam ram on the lift. 

           I will not clam ram as a gift

          I will not clam ram here or there. 

          I will not clam ram anywhere.

          I do not like to ram the clam. 

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am.

A rail! A rail!

A rail! A rail!

Would you, could you, on a rail?

          Not on a rail! Not by a tree!

          Not on a run! Now let me be!

          I would not, could not, on a slope. 

          I would not, could not, with the Pope.

          I will not clam ram on the lift.  

          I will not clam ram as a gift. 

          I will not clam ram here or there.  

          I will not clam ram anywhere.

          I do not like to ram the clam. 

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am

Say!

In the snow? Here in the snow?

Would you, could you, in the snow?

          I would not, could not, in the snow.

Would you, could you, without fail?

          I would not, could not, without fail. 

          Not in the snow. Not on a rail.

          Not on a run.  Not by a tree. 

           I do not clam ram, Clam, you see.

          Not on a slope.  Not on the lift.

          Not with the Pope. Not as a gift.

          I will not clam ram here or there. 

          I will not clam ram anywhere.

You do not like to ram the clam?

          I do not like to, Clam-I-am.

Could you, would you, in bindings?

          I would not, could not, in bindings.  

Would you ,could you, while it sings?

          I would not, could not, in bindings. 

          How could I clam ram while it sings?

          I will not clam ram without fail. 

          I will not clam ram on a rail.

          Not in the snow. Not by a tree.

          Not on a run. Now let me be.

          I will not clam ram on the lift.

          I will not clam ram as a gift.

          I will not clam ram on a slope.

          I will not clam ram with the Pope.

          I will not clam ram here or there.

          I will not clam ram ANYWHERE!

          I do not like to ram the clam

          I do not clam ram, Clam-I-am.

You do not like to, so you say.

Try it! Try it!  And you may.

Try it and you may, I say.

          Clam!

           If you will let me be,

           I will clam ram, you will see.

           Say!

           I like to ram the clam!

           I do! I like to, Clam-I-am.

          And I would clam ram while it sings.

          And I would clam ram in bindings.

          And I will clam ram without fail.

          And in the snow. And on a rail.

          And on a run. And by a tree.

          Ramming is fun, so fun, you see.

          So I will clam ram on a slope.

          And I will clam ram with the Pope.

          And I will clam ram on the lift.

          And I will clam ram as a gift.

          And I will clam ram here and there.

          Say! I will clam ram ANYWHERE!

          I do so like to ram the clam.

          Thank you, thank you, Clam-I-am!

Twenty-five inches

Snow begins to fall

The mountains are turning white

Tomorrow I ride

I am so excited for tomorrow that I crafted that nifty little Haiku for you.  Yes tomorrow is the day.  Well technically today–I just noticed that it is after midnight.  A quick look at the weather forecast shows me that by morning Loveland Ski Area is expected to have 10 to 14 inches of fresh snow.  In addition snow is expected to fall all day with total accumulations of up to 25 inches.  Life is good.

Oh and a special thanks to my wife.  Today I bought a new Thule ski/snowboard roof rack.  I spent time in the garage this evening in a state of bliss as I mounted the racks to the top of my SUV.  There is something about a roof rack on an SUV that makes it look more rugged, aggressive, and mean.  After carefully adjusting every nut and bolt, I tested it out by loading my new snowboards up and locking them in place.  I stepped back to admire my mean SUV and I was proud.  Later as I prepared to leave for work, my wife stepped into the garage.  Her keen sense of detail pointed out a minor problem with my studly new roof rack–there was no way it was going to clear the garage door.  So I did what any man would do in this situation.  I took the garage door off its track and used my sledge-hammer to create an extra foot of height.  Okay, Okay.  I took the roof rack off and boxed it up to take back to the store.  Bummer.

Speaking of “bummer,” I inappropriately used this word the other day.  It had been a hectic morning at the hospital and I was the only tech in CT/MRI.  A patient in the ER was being discharged and requested that we put his CT images on a CD, so he could take them with him.  The system that we use to burn CDs for patients was not working, nor was the backup system.  After about 30 minutes and multiple attempts to create a CD for the patient, a nurse from the ER called to ask what was taking so long.  I told her we were having problems with the system.  She said, “Well it would have been nice if someone had told us. The patient has been waiting.”  I responded, “Bummer.”  I ma not sure why I said it–it just sort of slipped out.  The nurse wasn’t very happy with me.  Bummer.

Did I mention that in about 8 hours I will be snowboarding in over a foot of fresh snow?

A letter to my patient…

Dear Drunk Guy,

             You must have had a pretty rough night.  I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet and care for you this morning at 3:00 a.m. I just wish you had not made my time with you so difficult.  Take for instance the ten or so minutes that I tried to obtain a history from you.  You were so evasive and short with me.   I asked you, “What brought you in to the emergency department tonight?” Your response was, “Police department.”  In your defense my question was not very specific.  You do have a valid point, in that, it is true that a police officer brought you to the emergency room, although your response would indicate that the entire police department brought you, which I am fairly certain was not the case.  So then I asked you, “Well, why did the police bring you here?”  Remember you told me,”I didn’t quite make it to my hotel.”  You kind of got me on that question too.  I still was not very specific.  I assumed that you would realize that I was asking you these questions to try to figure out why I was about to perform a CT scan of your head.  In most cases if a patient’s only symptom is not quite making it to their hotel there is not a clinical indication to perform a head CT.  I did try to be more specific with you though.  Remember I asked you, “What specific problems brought you to the emergency room? Did you fall and hit your head? Were you in a motor vehicle accident”?  To which you responded, “No.”  That was pretty much your best answer, but I have to be honest–it was still not very helpful.

             Oh and remember after we were done with your CT, and I said you could get back onto your stretcher.  You instead decided to stay laying on my CT table and salute me.  It was even better when I asked you again to get up and this time you stayed laying flat but this time reached for the sky with both arms outstretched.  It reminded me of when I change my one year-old daughter’s diaper.  She always reaches her arms up for me to pick her up and give her a hug.  Wait! You weren’t expecting me to…

             Well at any rate I just wanted to tell you that all you had to do was tell me that you fell and hit your head.  You could have even said that you had been drinking a little too much and were not sure what happened.  I can appreciate that being brought to the emergency room as a result of having too many drinks can be embarrassing.  Out of respect if you had been a little more forthcoming I could have simply wrote down your history as: Patient presents with unknown injury to head.  Done.

             I want to be transparent with you, mostly because you were not transparent with me.  Because you chose to make things more difficult for me, your permanent medical record, courtesy of me, now includes the following:  Patient unable to provide accurate history.  + ETOH.  Per PD report, patient was found down outside of liquor store with pants around his ankles and abrasion to his left ear. 

             Now everybody knows.

Regards,

C. Langston R.T.(R)(CT)(MR)